


Aftermath

by Rizandace



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Malec, Parabatai Bond, post episode: s03e10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 02:09:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14727966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rizandace/pseuds/Rizandace
Summary: Set post episode 10, Jace's POV.Every beat of his heart is Clary. Clary. Clary. Dead. Dead. Dead. Jace thinks it might kill him, so he shoves it down, shoves it within himself as far as it will go, and he stumbles, like a man no longer possessed, back down to the street, ignoring Izzy and Luke and Simon and the world. He needs Alec. It's the only thing he can let himself think about now. Alec is still breathing. Alec is alive, and that is going to have to be enough for right now.





	Aftermath

**Author's Note:**

> That midseason finale SLAYED me. I had to write something about it. I hope you enjoy!

Every beat of his heart is Clary. Clary. Clary. Dead. Dead. Dead. Jace thinks it might kill him, so he shoves it down, shoves it within himself as far as it will go, and he stumbles, like a man no longer possessed, back down to the street, ignoring Izzy and Luke and Simon and the world. He needs Alec. It's the only thing he can let himself think about now. Alec is still breathing. Alec is  _alive_ , and that is going to have to be enough for right now.

Out on the street, Catarina is helping Magnus, trying to move Alec. Jace stumbles over and back onto his knees, grabbing at Alec, his fingers feeling numb. He feels  _drunk_ , the world spinning, nothing clicking into place. When did she get there? How long since he ran into the building, leaving Magnus and Alec  _oh God Alec no no no_  out in this alleyway? Is he alive? He'd feel it, if Alec died. He'd feel it. He reaches inside of himself and feels the pulse of Alec's soul beside his own. The relief is a wave through his battered heart and mind, but he can tell it's bad - Alec's own arrow is still sticking up out of his chest, and his breathing seems thin and uneven.

"We've got to get him to the Institute," Magnus says, his voice tight, and Jace can tell that he's holding it together on a razor edge, because he has to, to save Alec. Jace tries to grasp for that kind of control, but  _Clary is dead_  and he felt his own hand stab his parabatai through the heart, and his own breath is coming out in wet, painful rasps.  
"Alec!" Izzy's voice rings out from behind him, and the others have arrived, skidding to a stop next to the group. "What happened?!"

"I've slowed everything down," Catarina is saying, but it's hard to focus on. "But we can't remove the arrow, it might kill him instantly - everyone be ready to go." She pauses for a moment, then says, "I can portal to the institute - I assume I have permission, Shadowhunters?" She's looking at Jace, who is finding it hard to understand why. Izzy answers for him.

" _Yes_ , yes, hurry!" It's not until the portal is open and Jace is helping Magnus to lift Alec from the ground that he realizes that he's supposed to be in charge of the institute if Alec is incapacitated. The thought is almost funny. He's pretty sure he's going to be executed by the Clave as soon as the chaos dies down and people can figure out everything that happened. At this point he's looking forward to it, the release of death. Or, he would be, if he didn't know that his death would weaken Alec even further.

The Silent Brothers won't let anybody into the room while they work on Alec, so he finds himself in the hallway, sitting between Izzy and Magnus. Izzy is crying, a continuous, quiet stream of tears, and Magnus' face is frighteningly blank, like his fear and panic and anger are all locked up within him. Jace needs Alec. He needs Alec to wake up and be okay and pull him into a hug and comfort him and  _fix this_ , and the selfishness of these thoughts is making Jace hate himself even more, something he hadn't thought was possible at this point. Clary's dead. Alec is dying. Jace is fucking  _done_. He's never known pain like this before, and that's saying something, given the life he's lead.

"Clary?" Magnus says at one point, looking over at the assembled crowd of anxious people. Izzy starts crying harder, Jace feels like his throat is filled with cement, Luke is staring blankly at the wall in front of him, so it's Simon who has to break the news to Magnus, who lets out a choked breath. "Oh,  _God_ ," he moans, and he finally starts crying. Crying for Clary, crying for Alec. Jace feels some sort of animal noise of grief building in his own throat but he swallows it down. No. Alec is alive. Alec is alive. Let that be enough. Alec is everything now. Everything that matters.

 _Jace Herondale. Magnus Bane_. The Silent Brother's voice echos in Jace's brain, and without deciding to do so, he's on his feet, and so is Magnus. He hears the rest of the people in the hall stir, feels like he can sense the anxiety rolling off of them in waves. He inches closer to Magnus and feels the warlock's arm against his own. If there's anybody in the world who might be as terrified as Jace is right now, then it's Magnus Bane, and there's a perverse sort of comfort in that thought. His heart is pounding in his temples, in his throat, in his parabatai rune, and he reaches a hand over to place on the spot on his lower torso, pressing hard, like he can hold the rune in place, stop it from vanishing, stop Alec from leaving him.

 _Alec Lightwood will survive. He will need to rest, but he will live._  The voice echoes in Jace's head, and it feels like salvation. Jace lets the trapped sound escape his throat now, a high, broken exhale of pain and grief and relief, and he pushes his way past the Silent Brother and into the room, his knees nearly buckling as he rushes to the side of the bed. He reaches without thinking for one of Alec's hands and then sees that it's wrapped in gauze, and he remembers the feel of his parabatai beneath his hands, the crunch of bone, Alec's anguished scream...

 _Fuck_. Suddenly, he's terrified to touch Alec, but at the same time he's feeling the need for it more than he ever has in his life. Magnus pushes past Jace and goes to Alec's other side, gripping Alec's uninjured arm tightly.

"Alexander," he whispers, his eyebrows scrunching over his eyes. "You're alright. We've got you. You're safe."

Alec is unconscious, his skin so pale it's nearly grey, and Jace reaches forward to touch his face, as gently as he can. He feels the living skin beneath his fingertips as he draws a hand over Alec's forehead, down one of his cheeks. "Please," he says, and he thinks it might be the first word he's said out loud since asking Simon  _where's Clary_? "Please, Alec, I'm so sorry, please - " he's crying, and he's not sure how long he's been crying, but every bone in his body seems to have turned to liquid, and he slides, without even a hint of grace, down to the floor, pressing his face hard into the side of Alec's torso. He can feel Alec's sluggish heartbeat and he counts it, trying to erase every other thought from his mind, but -  _Clary's dead -_  and -  _I killed Imogen_  - and -  _I hurt all those mundanes_  - and -  _Magnus lost his magic_  - keep crowding in and making it impossible. He grasps on to the last thought, and, with considerable effort, lifts his head from Alec to look at Magnus.

"Magnus, I'm sorry," Jace says. His voice sounds raw and scraped, like he's been screaming for days. And he has, inside of his own head, screaming, crying, begging,  _not Alec,_ please _not Alec, anything else. Anything else, but not him._

Magnus looks up from Alec to meet Jace's eyes. "This wasn't you, Jace. You'd never hurt him," he says. It's a testament to just how amazing Magnus is that he's able to sound sincere, even in this moment, even with everything else going on.

"No," Jace says, shaking his head and dislodging a few more tears. "No, I meant you, your magic, you shouldn't have done that, I'm not worth it - "

Magnus' jaw tightens, and he stares at Jace for a long moment. "I disagree," he says, and despite the stormy look in his eyes, his voice comes out calm, certain. "If I had to give up my magic just to save your life, I'd consider the trade well worth it." He pauses, long enough for Jace to feel a lump in his throat for an entirely new reason. Magnus continues - "but I didn't just do this for you, Shadowhunter. The demon within you was hurting people. Killing people. It had to be stopped, and I knew that if we couldn't free you, we'd have to end you. I've known parabatai who have lost each other before. I'd die before I let Alec go through that."

Jace shivers, his eyes dropping back down to Alec's pale and drawn face. Losing Alec would be impossible. His grief for Clary keeps threatening to surge up and overtake him, so he focuses hard on the feel of Alec's soul inside of him, on the deep and unwavering knowledge that he can survive anything as long as he still has this.

"When I started to fall in love with Alec," Magnus says quietly, and his tone has changed again, shifted into something softer and more contemplative, "I was worried at first. About you."

Jace realizes that without thinking about it, he's lifted one of his hands up to Alec's head, carding his fingers through his parabatai's hair to push it back out of his eyes. At Magnus' words, his hand twitches guiltily. He pauses to smooth the hair back once more and then pulls it back, then turns to look at Magnus, who is staring at Jace with just a hint of amusement.

"I don't mean like  _that_ ," Magnus says. "It's just that when I first met you I didn't like you."

"I wasn't exactly at my best, at the time," Jace says. He's surprised to find himself a little bit hurt by this. Mostly he's just surprised to find he has room inside of himself for anything other than pain and anger.

"Well, I like you  _now_ ," Magnus says, reassuring. "But I knew that I could never be with Alec if I had a real problem with his parabatai. I knew it could never work. I could see how much the two of you needed each other, and I knew that falling in love with Alec would mean I had to love you, too."

"And..."

"And I do," Magnus says simply, looking intently into Jace's eyes. "Of course I do. You're a part of Alec, and I love all of him."

Jace feels his eyes well up with fresh tears. He looks down to Magnus' hand, which is gripped tight around Alec's. Without pausing to let himself consider it, he reaches across Alec's torso and places his hand over Alec and Magnus' entwined fingers, and squeezes hard. Magnus lifts his other hand and covers Jace's, and they stay that way for a very long time, neither of them taking their eyes away from Alec's face.

* * *

Over the next twenty-four hours, they all wait. Jace manages to get a few hours of sleep, sitting in a chair by Alec's bedside. For a while, the room had been ridiculously crowded, with Magnus, Maryse, Izzy, and Jace all refusing to leave, and various others crowding in to check on Alec. But the Silent Brothers had put their collective feet down, allowing Alec's parabatai to stay close, but insisting on only one other visitor at a time. Mostly it's been Magnus, occasionally Izzy or Maryse. Jace loses track of the hours, so when he jerks awake in the uncomfortable wooden chair, he's not sure what time it is. It feels like the middle of the night, and it takes him a long moment to realize what woke him up.

It's the bond. The Silent Brothers had allowed Jace to draw healing runes on Alec the night before, with the hope that their parabatai connection would make the runes stronger. Jace has been keeping the bond blown wide open, all the walls between him and Alec down. It's not something they do very often, but Jace has been hoping that if Alec takes a turn for the worse, he'll be able to grab on to Alec, anchor him somehow, like he'd done the last time Alec had almost died, after he'd tried to find Jace with the soul stone. Jace wants to feel it if Alec starts slipping, wants to pull him out of the darkness or follow him into it. There's no third option. All through the long hours, the bond has been humming, strong, between them, but Alec's side has been quiet, resting, unconscious. Now, there is a battering of emotions meeting him in the middle, and Jace's head jerks up, and his eyes meet Alec's. His parabatai is awake.

"Thank the angel," Jace breathes, standing out of the chair and leaning over Alec. "I... Alec - "

"You're okay?" Alec asks, his eyebrows scrunched together. He looks confused and worried, and Jace feels like he might start crying. Again.

Instead, he lets out a slightly hysterical laugh and grips Alec's hand in both of his, bringing it up to his chest. " _You're_  okay. I can't believe it, Alec, I thought I'd killed you, you have no idea - "

"It wasn't you," Alec says, automatic, like it's a reflex. His voice is groggy and strained. Jace squeezes Alec's hand tightly for another moment and then releases him, pouring him a cup of water from a pitcher waiting on the table. He should probably rush to tell the others that Alec is awake, but the thought of taking his eyes off of him for even one second is impossible. He hands Alec the small cup and watches him take a long gulp. Alec finishes the drink, then frowns, looking around the room. "Is everyone else okay? What happened?"

Jace's voice catches in his throat, and he can feel Alec's alarm through the bond. "Oh, god, what? What is it? Who? Magnus? Izzy?"

"Clary," Jace manages. The word comes out cold, hard, dead. It's the first time he's said it out loud since he lost her. He watches as Alec's eyes go wide, and start to water.

" _No_ , oh God, Clary..." Alec says. "Jace, I'm... I'm so sorry, I... can't believe it..."

Jace has been thinking of his grief for Clary as an entity separate from himself, an entity deep inside of him, one he's been able to silence with varying degrees of effectiveness by focusing as hard as possible on Alec. But now, seeing his parabatai begin to mourn her, Jace's own feelings of loss come upon him full force. He feels himself crumple, feels the tears come full force. Alec pulls him down into his arms, and Jace falls apart. "Fuck, Alec, I don't know what to do, I don't know how I'm supposed to keep going..."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Jace," Alec says, his own voice high and crackling. His own grief for Clary is oddly moving, and Jace buries his face into Alec's shoulder, pressing his nose into his collarbone. He wants to forget that the rest of the world exists, the rest of the world without Clary in it. Alec's here. Alec's alive.

"It would have killed me," Jace says finally, his voice low and wobbly. He can't find it in himself to care about that right now. "If that  _thing_  inside me had taken you away from me..." he realizes he's shaking violently only when Alec's arms tighten even more around him.

"But it didn't. I'm okay. We're okay, Jace, I promise you. I'm going to get us through this. I'm going to help you."

"I don't deserve you," Jace says quietly. "I shouldn't have lied to you about Lake Lyn, if I had just told the truth none of this would have happened..."

"Shhh," Alec says, one of his hands coming up to brush through Jace's hair. "It's over. We're both here. We're both alive. We have to make that be enough right now, okay?" Jace tucks his head even further into the crook of Alec's neck, taking the comfort that he knows he doesn't deserve.

"I'm sorry too, you know," Alec says after a few long moments of silence. Jace really should get up and go find Magnus and the others, but his body feels like lead. He can't move.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Jace mumbles into Alec's shoulder. "You're alive."

"You begged me," Alec says softly, his voice scratchy. "You begged me to kill you and I couldn't - I was too selfish, and I'm too selfish now to pretend I regret it."

It takes more effort than it should for Jace to pull away from Alec, even enough just to sit up and look down at his face. "Are you kidding me? Alec,  _god_ , I'd never do it, not in a million years, if you asked me. I was desperate, I was in pain, I wasn't thinking straight. I should be apologizing to  _you_  for even asking. I can't imagine what that felt like for you."

Alec looks at him and then nods, blinking back more fresh tears, before looking away down at his own hands where they're resting against his torso. "It... it was awful," he admits. "But if I'd done it, I could have saved you - "

"Look at me," Jace says. He's beginning to wonder if his heart will ever run out of ways of breaking, but at least he can focus on fixing this one thing. It's better than thinking about Magnus' magic, or the look on Alec's face as he'd pressed the arrow down into his chest, so slow, so deliberate, or Clary...  _no_. He's not thinking about that. "Look at me, Alec," he repeats, and Alec's eyes raise reluctantly to meet his. "I'd let the whole world burn. I'd let everyone and everything die. I'd end my own life a million times - all of that, before I'd even  _think_  about killing you, even if you asked. Even if you begged me. Maybe that makes me a monster, but it's the truth."

Alec looks at him, his eyes wide, and then finally gives a small nod. "Okay. Okay. Just..." Alec lets out a huff of breath and then tugs Jace back down to the bed, gripping him tight. Jace's head ends up over Alec's chest, and he listens to the heartbeat there, moving one of his hands up under his own cheek to feel at the place where the arrow had pierced. His own breathing is still shaky, but Alec's hand is in his hair, and he's murmuring low reassurances under his breath, and it's helping a little bit.

Eventually, the door opens, and Izzy and Maryse enter. For the next several minutes, everyone fusses over Alec,and Jace is forced to pull slightly away from his parabatai. But he doesn't get off the bed, and nobody asks him to, which is a good thing. The feel of Alec, warm, alive, awake, feels like the only thing that's tethering Jace to his sanity.

* * *

"Alexander!" Magnus' face is scrunched up in a mixture of pain and relief as he enters the room. Alec has moved to his bedroom at the institute, and Jace has gone with him. The two of them are curled up in the same bed again, although this one has considerably more room. Magnus ignores Jace entirely at first, rushing up and cupping Alec's face, giving him a long, deep kiss. Jace watches them and then looks down, feeling an uncharitable pang of jealousy. The love of Alec's life is still alive, albeit weakened by recent events. But Clary...

"Why did nobody tell me he was being moved?" Magnus asks Jace, a hint of anger in his voice. "I ran home to grab a few things and when I came back..."

"Mom was supposed to find you," Alec says, before Jace can reply. "Sorry, Magnus, I didn't mean to scare you..."

Magnus hesitates a moment before turning a gentle smile towards Alec. "It's alright. I'm just... I'm so relieved to see you awake." He turns to look at Jace. "You should know, I have people looking for Clary. No sign of anything yet."

The sound of her name is like a punch to the gut. "Her body, you mean," he says. Alec looks away from Magnus' face and frowns at him. Jace can feel the swelling of concern and compassion through their bond, which has remained wide open, all of their pain and loss and relief and exhaustion bleeding between them, like a shared pool of experience.

Magnus looks down, his eyes squeezing shut for a moment in pain. "Yes. Or some sign of where she's gone. I know what Simon told you, Jace, but we can't know for sure, and I won't give up until I know - "

"Don't do this to him," Alec says suddenly, and it's Jace's words coming out of Alec's mouth. "Don't give him false hope, just... please, Magnus, we can't take it right now."

Magnus looks startled for a moment, and then his shoulder slump. He's sitting on the corner of the bed, and he takes Alec's face in his hands again, tilting his own head down so their foreheads touch. "You're right. I'm sorry. We should all be resting, it's been a long day - "

Jace watches as Alec goes still, his muscles tensing, and a fresh wave of distress washes over them both through the bond. "Oh my God, Magnus - your magic - I'm - I almost forgot - I'm so sorry, listen, we'll fix this, okay? We'll fix it, I swear - "

Jace feels guilt squirm in his gut. His instinct is to push closer to Alec in the bed, but some part of him feels he doesn't deserve the comfort this would bring. He knows he and Magnus had a good talk about this the night before, but he still feels responsible. He still feels  _horrible._ He can't know, of course, what it's like for Magnus, but he imagines it's something like being de-runed. Having your identity, the source of your strength, stripped away from you. Just the thought of it is paralyzing.

"It's okay," Magnus says, his voice soft and soothing. His forehead is still pressed into Alec's. "It's all okay, Alec. We can talk about it when you've got your strength back. For now let's just be grateful that we're alive. And together."

Alec is crying, silently, heartbreakingly, and Jace's own eyesight blurs as well. "I'll give you guys the room, okay?" he says, his voice cracking a bit. It's the last thing in the world he wants to do, but he can't stay glued to Alec's side forever. The Silent Brothers have given Alec strict instructions for bed-rest over the next day or so, but he's well out of the woods by now. There's no reason for Jace to stay close. And in any case, his own room is just down the hall.

Alec and Magnus break apart from their own little world and both turn to him as Jace starts to get off the bed.

"Wait," Alec says, reaching a hand out and grabbing Jace's wrist. The minute he's done it, he looks a little panicked, a little confused, like he hadn't meant to do it, and isn't sure what to do next. Alec looks up at Magnus, as if seeking an answer, and Magnus smiles gently at him and then turns to Jace.

"You should stay," Magnus says.

Maybe it should feel weird to be curled up against Alec's side with Magnus there with them in the bed, curled against Alec's other shoulder. But somehow it doesn't. In the morning, Jace knows, he'll have to face the reality of Clary's loss. More than that, he'll probably have to face the Clave for what happened with Raziel. For all he knows, the next day is going to bring his own condemnation. But all of that feels very far away at the moment. He can hear Magnus and Alec's steady breathing as the shadows in the room lengthen into evening. He feels more exhausted than he's ever been in his life, but sleep eludes him for a long while. Finally, he shifts his position so his head is resting on Alec's shoulder. He puts one hand over Alec's heart, feeling the steady heartbeat, resting the pad of his thumb over the spot where the arrow had pressed in, reassuring himself that the flesh under Alec's shirt is solid and unblemished. Even with the loss of Clary still a fresh, bleeding wound in his soul, he knows there's only one person in the world whose loss he wouldn't survive, and that person is right next to him, warm, and solid, and  _here_.

Finally, Jace sleeps.


End file.
